Prayers for Vaginismus Women

Once again, it has been a few months since I have posted and just felt the need to update- especially in light of the many emails I have been receiving from many women struggling with vaginismus. If I have not yet replied to your email, please be patient and know that I want to read every word and want to make sure I have the time to reply in a thoughtful manner. (Now, if you sent me an email 2 months ago and I have yet to respond its probably safe to say it ended up in my Spam mail so please resend 🙂 )

God has been breaking my heart again over this condition of vaginismus. It is so easy for me to forget my experience and to put it behind me and forget that other women are enduring what I did a few years ago. Between heart wrenching search engine terms to emails filled with stories of heartache I am reminded how this is not just a physical condition, but a mental, emotional and spiritual one. It doesn’t just affect the woman herself, but her relationships and it can easily destroy a marriage.

Some recent search terms that have led people to my blog have included “How Could God Allow Vaginismus”, “Vaginismus loneliness”, “Help my wife has vaginismus”, “Jesus healing Vaginismus”, “Emotional Toll Vaginismus”,  “Vaginismus, my husband wants to leave me”, “Vaginismus, does it last forever?” and many more. The emotional pain and desperation behind these search terms is evident. I have also received emails with stories of husbands having affairs due to the drain this condition leaves on a marriage.

I am asking for your prayers. I obviously will not list names to protect the privacy and confidentiality of those who have emailed me- but please pray for these woman. That they will not be ashamed to speak up, seek treatment and get the help they need. That God will save their marriages, heal them from their physical condition of vaginismus but also the emotional and mental strain that comes with it.

A verse that God has placed on my mind lately that I hope will be of encouragement is Psalms 91:15

“He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.”

God will answer us, He will be with us in trouble, and He will deliver us and honor us. The more I meditated on this verse I realized that it didn’t jump straight from ‘I will answer him, I will deliver him’. It is ‘I will answer him, I will be with him in trouble THEN I will deliver him….” SO many times in life we want God to answer us then immediately deliver us from our troubles, but I am comforted by this verse that God is WITH US in our troubles.

Take heart sweet friends and know that God is with you in your troubles and He promises to deliver you and honor you. You may not know when or how but He will.



The Latest Happenings…

Hello dear people who still occasionally check my blog- even though I am awful at consistently posting! Life has been busy, but in a wonderful way. Bennett and I are thoroughly plugged in and enjoying our church-we have a great group of young adults that we love hanging out with and Bennett is working with the youth this summer which he loves. Crouton is still being an adorable, mischievous puppy and we think he has finally stopped growing at a strong 11lbs. He is the best cuddle buddy! Bennett is still working at a dental claims company (or something like that–I really have no idea what he does. Oops, does that make me a bad wife?) and I am still working part time at our local CSB and I love it!


This past year has been a time of great healing and spiritual restoration for me and Bennett. Struggling with vaginismus and having a miscarriage took its toll on me-to the point where I wasn’t sure if God was good or if He was even there- but He has lovingly held me by the right hand and restored the joy that I had lost during those difficult times. He has blessed me to be able to understand why I lost our baby and it has strengthened my trust in Him. I also bounced back from my small setback with vaginismus. It was a time where God renewed my desire to connect with women who are enduring this struggle and reminded me that this issue is not want to be hidden and pushed under the rug- which is exactly what Satan wants us to do! I am blessed to weekly receive emails from women who have come across my blog who are struggling with vaginismus. As much as going through trials are difficult- the purpose of them is so worth it!

I have also switched over to a complete vegetarian diet. No meat, poultry, seafood and minimal dairy. I may eventually switch to vegan which is NO dairy or eggs but I am taking it a step at a time 😉 Due to some annoying health issues the doctor recommended this lifestyle change and I have never felt better! Who knew that meat could tear up your body so bad? If you are not convinced, watch Forks Over Knives on Netflix- a documentary about the health benefits of a plant based diet and the detriments of a meat based diet-the results are astounding! I have also enjoyed some great new food such as quinoa and a wide variety of veggies that I had never tried before.

As for this summer- Bennett and I are excited to go to the beach with his family and then on a cruise later in the summer. We are both so ready for vacation and a time of relaxation! Just pray that our cruise doesn’t lose power and fill with sewer water- even though Bennett said it wouldn’t be that bad as we would get our money back and free cruise vouchers, but somehow I don’t know if its worth it! 😉






How Can God Allow Vaginismus?

So it has been four and half months since my last post, and you are probably staring at my post title wondering where am I headed with this, and why do I always bring up Vaginismus in every other post when that part of my life is supposedly behind me. Even though I haven’t posted in quite some time, in the past week alone I have received two emails and one Facebook message from women who are desperate for a cure from not just the physical- but the emotional, spiritual and relational drain that Vaginismus can cause. Each message that I receive, I long so badly to be able to get in a plane, fly to wherever they are located, hug them, hold their hand- and tell them that there is hope. So often, and rightfully so, their messages are filled with words such as confusion, doubt, defeat, tired, pain, frustration, loneliness. Oh the loneliness of this condition- it’s funny to me how sexualized our world is-how it is displayed all over the internet, television shows and in our shopping centers- yet as women we still feel shamed to discuss with our closest friends and family when we have a personal medical problem that needs to be addressed!

That is the main reason why I keep this blog going. My personal life isn’t really that interesting unless you want to hear the latest happenings of what we accidentally fed Crouton, or when Bennett got his latest haircut. I keep this blog up and going because I truly enjoy communicating and helping women who are enduring Vaginismus, and this blog by far as been the number one tool of connecting with women in the United States and around the World who have vaginismus.

So how did I get my title? Well, most people find my blog through a search engine, most often than not ‘Google’. WordPress, my blogging host, does not give me any information about the person viewing my blog (don’t worry- your identity is safe!) but does tell me the search words entered into the search engine site. The top vaginismus related search term is ‘Vaginismus blog’. When typed in, my blog pops up number two on the first page. I praise God for this and it makes total since why I receive anywhere from 5-10 emails/Facebook messages a month. I don’t know if this is the expanse of His ministry for me or if He desires it go further, but as much as I hate that women have this condition I don’t want them to hide in shame or fear anymore, or just simply resolve to live a sexless marriage. This is not His plan. Genesis 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” I believe this verse is not just speaking physically, but also spiritually, emotionally, mentally and relationally (is this even a word?). Vaginismus does not just halt the physical relationship of marriage but all dynamics of marriage. Therefore, I encourage and look forward to each email and message I receive and I pray that God continues to bless this ministry He has allowed me to have for this time and I pray it continues to grow in to whatever He desires.

Now, what do you think was my second most entered search term? You guessed it. “How Can God Allow Vaginismus”? When I was reading through all the search terms and saw how high up on the list this one was, it resonated with me and is what ultimately compelled me to write this post. Several years ago, it would have been me frustrated, angry and crying while typing in those words- too ashamed to voice them out loud but within the privacy of the internet I just wanted to know if someone else knew how I felt. Now I know it is other women, frustrated angry and crying doing the same thing and it saddens me that I physically cannot be in their presence to hug them and encourage them but I do what I can and trust the Lord to do the rest.

To answer this question, I really should let me husband- the brainiac, almost Masters accomplished in Religion who seems to know about everything in the Bible answer this question- and I might ask him to do so in a later post. But, I will answer it now, 3 and half years later after discovering I had Vaginismus.

This first part is hard to grasp, but it is the truth. Matthew 5:45 says “For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.” I am just now coming to grips with this verse. Before marriage, I felt entitled to have the best sex life ever, due to my ‘pure life’. Through God’s love, especially within the past couple of months I have learned that I am entitled to nothing but everything that God has given me is a gift and I can praise Him for it- even this struggle of vaginismus and the loss of our first baby. God is still good-just because I am a Christian doesn’t exempt me from experiencing struggles- if anything they are the same or more so then those who do not know the Lord because we are targeted by Satan! “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.” James 1:3-4

I lived a lot of the past year with bitterness toward God, asking Him why He took my baby and this very same question of why did He allow vaginismus in my life, and consequently back into my life. Yes, you heard me right. The all cured Carrie of last summer, once pregnant lady fell down hard when we lost our little one. I shut down completely. I shut out my husband intimately, therefore not having physical relations. I did not do the homework WTC told me to do. My anxiety returned in full force. Now before anyone gets any crazy ideas- let me get a few things straight. Was the treatment successful last summer at WTC? YES! (I’ll get to more of that in a minute, stay with me!) Then what happened??? I shut down my mind and body and all the former anxieties before WTC came back with a vengeance and I did nothing to stop it. I let my bitterness overtake me and I gave up.  I felt I deserved it and that I was a failure. I resolved to once again living a sexless marriage- our one chance at having a child was lost and I was done trying. I felt I deserved to have an ‘easy’ marriage and an ‘easy’ sex life and if it wasn’t going to be that way then I was going to throw myself a pity party and just sit in it. So I did that for awhile and of course nothing got better.

Again, and I praise God for our wonderful doctors at WTC. Their passion for their profession and for their patients is so evident. They check on me every so often and asked how I was doing a several months back. I explained what was going on and they quickly told me not to worry, that they would get me back on track. They sent me what I needed in the mail and I tried to do it on my own but I insisted I couldn’t and just gave up within two days. A few more months go by and God continues to work on my heart, continues to show His love as well as Bennett continuing to show His love regardless of my inability to fully express my love. I also share within a trusted circle of friends at our church small group- scared that I will fail again but knowing that I need the accountability- and start again on the treatment process at home. The WTC doctors have been working with me these past few months and I am confident that I will be good as new in no time. They didn’t give up on me-in their words it was just a bump in the road and I had to remind myself of what I already knew, like riding a bike. And this time, I have done it on my own, with Gods help, at my home.

I recently read a book called “The Devil in Pew Number Seven” by Rebecca Nichols Alonzo- quite an abrasive title but a solid read. One of the quotes that really challenged my thinking was this “I needed God more then I needed to blame God”. When I reached that point, that’s when I was broken and ready to quit blaming God and everyone else for my pain, and ready to handle my challenges and burdens just God and me. Nobody else can do it for me.


So Why Does God Allow Vaginismus? I think it will be a different answer for each individual and it may change as time goes on. Sorry if you wanted a more theological answer- I have my husband post for that. For me personally, it showed me that my sin is no different then anyone else’s. It broke down walls of bitterness, pride and judgemental thinking I didn’t even know I had. It caused me to realize I am entitled to nothing on this earth. It has shown me that I have a heart to help women who are suffering silently. It has shown me I have a passion to help those who feel they have no voice. It has shown me that my husband is truly the man God has for me- that Bennett is patient, loving and selfless and I should never take him for granted. It has shown me God’s love and grace and that He gives me chance after chance even after I get angry and frustrated and question His goodness.

Psalm 34:17, 18 “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them. He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit”.


If you or someone you know is struggling with Vaginismus, feel free to email me at

Also, feel free to watch our documentary video of our time spent at the Women’s Therapy Center.


Another Bulleted List.

I’ve been such a bad blogger so here id the most recent update:

-I recently left my job at Franklin County DSS to work for Carilion with their Eligibility Assistance Services Program. It was such a tough decision for me to leave Franklin County DSS as I love my co-workers and my job there, but with Bennett losing his job and us living in Roanoke we both felt God leading us in this direction. I completed my first week of the new job this week and I can already tell I am really going to like it!
It should be a little more fast paced which I am excited about. I will be working at Roanoke Memorial Hospital assisting clients with getting financial help (such as Medicaid). Having a background in Medicaid from Franklin County DSS is a huge help to me- but I still have alot to learn!

-We booked our trip to New York for March 14-18! Bennett and I are SO excited! We get to meet up with our friends–we’ll call them the “G’s”– who have Vaginismus. “Wife G” has become one of my closest friends over the past several months. We have had several emails, phone conversations and skype dates sharing about what the Lord is doing in our lives, what struggles we are facing and of course our similar issue of Vaginismus. Another amazing answer to prayer is that we only thought we had enough Marriott reward points to get one hotel night free- we have enough points to get all four nights free! God is so faithful to provide for us and I must not forget this simple truth.

-I am starting a new book called Wholly Jesus by Mark Foreman. Mark Foreman is the father of Jon Foreman, who is the lead singer of one of my favorite bands Switchfoot. My friend Laryssa recommended the book for me to read, so I thought I would read it and post my thoughts on here and hope to get some feedback from you guys. Mark Foreman is currently a pastor at North Coast Calvary in Carlsbad, CA.

-The holidays were busy, but wonderful. We spent time with both sides of the family and found out that we are going to have a little neice or nephew by this time next year which we are super excited about. Congrats Thomas and Courtney!

-Crouton continues to grow. He is a full 5.1 pounds.

-Bennett is still searching for a job. He has put in countless amounts of applications. I am really proud of him for how hard he is trying. Even with just my income, we are not in need or want of anything. It truly is incredible.

-Random, but so thankful for having my closest friend Jess Walker so much closer to me. I see her several times a week which usually consist of at least one sleepover and plenty of good chats and it has just been such an encouragement to me to have her back in my everyday life. God is good to provide those people when we need them.

I think that is about it for now. I will try my best to blog more. With pictures. Because pictures always make it so much more interesting.

Roanoke Residents.

We are official Roanoke residents, folks. And I am quite happy about that fact. Even the 25 minute drive to work isn’t so bad.

The move went very smoothly. I was quite nervous about it as our sofa would not fit through the door and had to be lifted from the ground to our third floor porch by ropes. At that point my mom went to get the pizza and I went in another room as we could not bear to watch. The sofa made it safely in, as well as no one getting hurt, even though one of the ropes was down to four threads when it was all said and done.

I will post pictures soon- we just love our cute charming apartment. Charming is a nice word for saying ‘old’, by the way. But with a fresh coat of paint, it truly is looking more up-to-date. We simply love our neighbors too and their furry pets.

On a side note (and here I go on my soapbox…), God has continued to use this blog to reach other women who have vaginismus. Just yesterday I received two facebook messages from women who ran across my blog by doing a search. It totally makes it all worth it when I am able to talk with other women who have the same condition. Thankful that God does use technology for His glory! 😉 And I again want to reiterate if there is anyone who is struggling with this condition and lives local- we have a facebook local support group and we also meet once a month to share and support one another. If you do not live local, I would love to hear from you as well. My email is Also- here is the link to our video we made about the two week program we attended: God desires for all women to have sexual freedom with their husbands. Satan is strategic and attacks this part of the marriage because most women/men are too ashamed/embarrassed to discuss it, much less go to the doctor and work toward a cure. Do not be defeated- the Lord desires freedom for all!

Okay, off my soapbox now.

Another year older, another year of change.

So, I had a birthday on Wednesday. And no, I don’t feel older. Not on that specific day at least. But I can say within this past year I feel I have ‘grown’. Since I am such a bulleted person, here are some of my thoughts over the past year:

-I have learned about and experience God’s love in a way I never have before. I have learned that God allows us to go through circumstances so that we can understand that more fully.

-I know I talk about our church family all the time- but I am truly grateful for God leading us to Citylight this past year. Last night in small group we talked about how easy it is to make an ‘idol’ of a church. I struggle with this, because I love my Citylight family so much. But then after much discussion- we love our church family because of the God that we serve and the God that we allow to work in our lives. I see on a consistent basis God working, changing, molding and breaking people in our congregation and it’s just plain exciting. The amount of transparency in the church is extremely refreshing and convicting. I have never felt freedom in Christ as much as I have now- and I pray that the Lord will continue to break down bondages so I can experience more freedom.

-And another topic I talk much about but am super thrilled- We have been cured from Vaginismus. I praise the Lord that this two year struggle is over. It could have been much longer (ex. Jessie and Philip’s nine years), and I am so thankful for God’s directing hand to healing. Please pray with me as we have our first support group meeting for women with gynecological health issues this Sunday at 3pm. I am so glad that God allowed me to go through this- I have made close friendships and connections because of this and have been able to support other women. There is no better feeling then allowing the Lord to use something personal in your life to help another. Really, it’s just another form of ‘witnessing’ as you are showing and displaying what Christ has done for us.

-I’ll be honest. Bennett and I have had some rough patches in our marriage- but I am thankful for those and am blessed to say that we are thoroughly head over heels in love with each other. I couldn’t have better handpicked a husband for myself.

-We are moving to Roanoke in one week! SO excited. Yet stressed. Our house looks like a hurricane hit. But thankful for some awesome peeps who are going to be helping us move next Saturday.

So, that is a short summary of the experiences and changes over the past year. I am excited about year 23 the Lord has blessed me with and am praying for greater things to come.


I realized awhile back that I promised I would post about our amazing church family and their support during this season in our lives. Below are pictures of the wonderful gift basket they put together for us and the beautiful cards of encouragement that were given to us to post around our hotel room. We were truly covered in prayer, scripture and encouragement. They had been through this experience before with Jessie and Philip and they rallied again around us. We are blessed to be apart of Citylight church. We love you all!

Story Time.

Excerpt from my latest read- Forgotten God by Francis Chan. (Will post book review once completed).

“Years ago, Dave Phillips and his wife, Lynn, had a talk about the callings they felt God was stirring in them. As they discussed what they were most passionate about, they agreed that bringing relief to suffering children and reaching the next generation with the gospel were at the top of the list. The thought of starting a relief agency was considered, but Dave’s response was, “But that would mean I have to talk in front of people.” By nature, Dave is a very quiet, behind-the-scenes man.

But after much prayer, Dave set aside his fears, and he and Lynn started Children’s Hunger Fund out of their garage. Six weeks after CHF was launched, in January of 1992, he recieved a phone call from the director of a cancer treatment center in Honduras asking if there was any way he could obtain a certain drug for seven children who would die without it. Dave wrote down the name of the drug and told the director that he had no idea how to get this type of drug. They then prayed over the phone and asked God to provide.

As Dave hung up the phone, before he even let go of the receiver, the phone rang again. It was a pharmaceutical company in New Jersey asking Dave if he would have any use for 48,000 vials of that exact drug! Not only did they offer him eight million dollars’ worth of this drug, but they told him they would airlift it to anyplace in the world! Dave would later learn that the company was one of only two that manufactured this particular drug in the United States…”

As I read this story I was convicted of what I would have done. I would have told the man that there was no way I could help him, that I was not a doctor and had no connections with anyone who may have the medication.

But as I am learning through the scriptures and this book- with the Holy Spirit the impossible happens. Not the impossible ‘can’ happen- but the impossible does happen if I let the Holy Spirit control every part of my life instead of myself trying to control the Holy Spirit.

I am thankful for a dear friend of mine- Jessica Walker. Upon boarding a flight home from her mission field in Philadelphia for the past three months- Jess really had no direction to what she would be doing back in Roanoke. No set job. Done with school. No clue. On the flight, she sat beside an older woman and struck up a conversation with her. This woman works at Gentle Shepard Hospice, a Gospel-centered hospice company, and Jess just texted me an hour ago to tell me that she received a clerical job there. Jess could have let the uncomfortableness of sitting next to someone she didn’t know overtake her, and not have spoken to the woman- but she didn’t. She allowed the Holy Spirit to lead, she now has a job with a ministry degree attached- so who knows what the Lord is going to do through her through this job!

I am loving this book and the scriptures it has been pulling out about the Holy Spirit and I am loving to watch the Holy Spirit lead in my life. The Lord has led several women to contact us that have Vaginismus and it has been such a blessing-and I have seen God do incredible things already. I do not have permission to post about them and I want to protect their privacy- but already since we have returned from New York six women have contacted us through church connections and the majority from reading this blog. Several of them are local and myself with Jessie Hatter are praying about starting a local support group.

The Holy Spirit will do the impossible if we let Him- and it is so exciting when He does because it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with Him. Praise be to the Lord.

Goodbye New York.

I can’t believe we have already been here for two weeks- and what an incredible two week it has been. God has answered so many prayers and we give Him all the glory!

“Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion.” (Psalms 103:1-4).

We are super sad to be leaving tomorrow. We have grown to love our doctors- Dr. Ross and Dr. Ditza- and we will miss them greatly. I can honestly say I have NEVER had doctors come even close to these ladies concerning their expertise, bedside manor, tour guiding skills (haha), kindness and generosity. They will forever be a part of the story of our lives and we praise God for leading us to them.

So thankful for my husband who has stuck out these past two rough years. He has truly shown the love of Christ- selfless, unconditional and a true servant. I know that there will always be difficult trials to come- but I praise God for blessing me with such a husband to go through these trials with.

Our last session is at 9 tomorrow morning- then we should be on the road by 10 to head home. I have mixed feelings about coming home- this really has been like a vacation for us and I have enjoyed the extra rest and time off of work and away from our routine life- but at the same time, I am a routine person and I am ready to get back in the swing of things. Ready to move forward- not forgetting Vaginismus- but not letting it dictate who I am but allowing God to use it through us and for Him to continue to lead us to do what He wants us to do.

Week Two!

What a fabulous weekend we had! Just what the doctor ordered 😉 Laura and Daniel came in about midnight on Friday evening and we stayed up for a little bit catching up with each other. We then slept in on Saturday, ate a good breakfast and headed out into the city. It was a flippin’ 100+ degrees in the city so we packed a backpack full of frozen water bottles and headed on our way. We took the train into the city- then a subway and went to central park. I did not realize how HUGE it is and we only saw a small portion of it. We also saw the Plaza hotel, FAO Swartz, Ferrari store (for the boys, Laura and I just wanted some A.C.!), Grand Central Station, Time Square, etc. We also went on a circle line boat which is a two hour tour of part of Manhattan. It was relaxing, much cooler and we could see the sights without having to walk in the heat 🙂

We then headed back to Long Island and ate at this AMAZING pizza place-best pizza I have ever eaten (sorry Pyramid Pizza-but you are a close second!) and later watched a movie at the hotel and conked out from all the heat and walking. Sunday morning we swam a little bit in the hotel pool then our friends headed on their way. SO thankful for them and that they came up to visit us. It was exactly what Bennett and I needed and we are blessed to have them as friends.

Week two of treatment started yesterday and it is going much better then week one. I can not believe how quickly women can progress in this two week program. Bennett and I did have a freak out moment Saturday evening when the homework was particularly difficult for me and we wondered if we would be the couple that it wouldn’t work for. But Monday rolled around and I could tell people were praying and Monday was a GREAT day! So thankful for everyones prayers and support- and for our wonderful doctors- Dr. Ditza and Dr. Ross. They are amazing and I am so glad the Lord lead us to them!

We are about to head out to our first session of the day- then Bennett is going into the city again by himself to explore 🙂 Pray for his safety 🙂