That line has been repeating in my head over and over.
When I cannot stand, I’ll fall on You.
I honestly could not have endured losing another baby if it wasn’t for the goodness of God. Even in the midst of sadness and grieving, I have been blown away by God’s grace and comfort to me during this time.
The main way I have felt God’s love is through my husband Bennett. I was terrified what losing another baby would do to our relationship. When we lost our first baby, I was not walking with the Lord and Bennett didn’t really understand the emotional and physical toll of losing a baby and the combination of those two things was quite trying for us.
This time was the complete opposite and I am so thankful. I think Bennett was much more connected to our baby as he had seen the heartbeat several times and had watched our baby grow. He was so excited to become a dad, and to see him cry several times during this past week over our loss strangely comforted me. I struggled with the thought of losing our baby as ‘not that big of a deal’ and felt almost guilty for grieving–yet seeing my husband who never cries sob over the loss of his child reiterated how real and alive our baby was for the precious 12 weeks we had with him, and that it hurts deeply when a baby dies-no matter how small.
I also had to make a conscious decision that I would not run from God. I had to keep reminding myself daily, hourly, that God is still good. That He is holding me and comforting me and grieving with me. That He is for me, not against me (and oh how hard that is to believe during times like these!). Those first few days when I physically and emotionally couldn’t face reading the Bible, Bennett would hold my hand and read to me and pray over me. Just those simple actions did wonders.
I honestly have been shocked how quickly I have ‘bounced back’. I have returned to work and was able to make it through my first day with minimal tears shed (ha!). I have started working out again and was even able to hold our friends baby without being a complete mess. As some of you may know, Bennett’s job is transferring us to Richmond and we are moving the first week of January. Between losing our baby and this sudden move, my ‘old self’ would be a complete and utter mess. I have actually found myself looking forward to the move.
I know God is working in me and I have thought to myself and verbalized to Bennett many times that there is no way I could handle this a second time without God. Am I still crying everyday? Yes. Do I still get jealous when I see precious newborn pictures on Facebook? Yes. Do I get angry when I think about how I have lost two babies and want nothing more in the world to be a mother, but that dream has again been pushed back? Yes. Do I get upset when I see mothers complaining about their children? (Oh how that could be a blog post in and of itself but I will not even go there) Yes. I am human, but God is stronger then these negative and sometimes sinful emotions and He is holding my hand through it all.
So where do we go from here? Good question as I have no idea. I just got home from my post-op check up appointment and there are more questions then answers. My doctor said that it is quite possible both of our losses were complete ‘flukes’ and that there is nothing medically wrong with Bennett or myself. She is still suggesting that we discuss options with an OB/GYN in Richmond and gave us contact information. She did go ahead and draw blood to test for PCOS and thyroid issues so we will see if anything comes of that.
We still need prayers as we have many decisions before us. Do we proceed with testing before we try again? Do we try again without any testing? Do we pursue adoption and put trying for biological children on the back burner? If we do decide to adopt, should we foster to adopt or private adopt? And WHEN do we proceed once we figure out what the best option is? Do we need to have a period of not even thinking about children? Do we not have children at all? (I laugh and grimace at that option). So yes, lots of questions swirling around in our heads in between packing boxes and searching for apartments.
God is not done with our story. Our past four years of marriage have not played out how we planned our picture perfect life to be, but whose truly does? I would much rather God write our story then to write it myself, and I ask that you continue to read and see what God has in store for next chapter of our lives.