Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Back in 1988 President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as the national awareness month for pregnancy and infant loss and is quoted saying, “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.” (October15th.com).
March 12, 2012 my dream of becoming a mother to the precious baby growing inside me ended. I went into my first pregnancy incredibly excited but also incredibly naïve about the 1 and 4 statistic of losing a child. I had no idea the pain and loss that I would feel would be so great- and that even to this day I get teary eyed when I think about my precious ‘Mizpah’. ‘Mizpah’ will forever be my first child and forever in my heart.
Since then, it appears we are struggling to have children of our own. This past weekend God settled a peace over me like no other. He reaffirmed in my heart that I will be a mother some way and some how and perhaps not how I pictured it but I know God will live up to His promises.
Today is even more profound to me as a dear friend of mine lost her second baby this past week. My heart broke for her and her husband- remembering the pain and loss that I felt not too long ago. It was a solemn reminder to be sensitive, enjoy what you have and realize that having children isn’t easy for a lot of women and the process is incredibly draining both physically and emotionally.
So in light of today, I encourage those with children to hug them, be thankful for them even in the midst of bad attitudes and big messes and sleepless nights, and be kind and compassionate to those who are struggling with their dream of parenthood.
For those who don’t have children and have suffered a loss- remember your sweet babies today and KNOW with confidence that Jesus is holding them. God sees your heart and desire for a child, and He will provide a way. It doesn’t make sense that it is incredibly easy for some to have children, yet so hard for us and it’s okay to question and wonder- but eventually that desire will be made whole.
What is normal anyway. But I guess life has seemed to settle since we have returned from New York. I never knew how wonderful and necessary it is to have a healthy intimate relationship with your spouse until now. I praise God for allowing us to go to New York and get this behind us so we can continue on with ministry without the dark cloud of Vaginismus above our heads.
I have been blessed with an incredible husband. To exist in a sexless marriage is hard enough, but to love and cherish me through it is only God Himself working through Bennett. Thank you Bennett for allowing the Lord to do so and for making me feel like the most loved woman in the world.
I am excited to see how God will use our story in the future. I am praying that my excitement isn’t just ‘post treatment, finally cured’ excitement but a passion that God has instilled in my heart and life. Already connections have been made with other women through various resources and it’s now that I realize why God allowed us to go through this- and I can’t believe I am saying this but I am blessed that He allowed us to do so (crazy even typing that!).
Since I have spoken with this particular girl several times and she is okay with it, be in prayer for a girl named Dana. She is on her way as we speak to the Womens Therapy Center and much prayers would be appreciated for her!
Bennett is no longer at Lowes as his seasonal position was coming to an end but he is now painting with a good friend from our church who has his own business. He loves it! Work is still going great for me. I have the best co-workers ever who really worked their tails off to keep me caught up while I was away.
Bennett and I are seriously thinking and praying about moving to Roanoke. I tend to only be able to focus on one big thing at a time- so now that Vaginismus is behind us- we are looking for an affordable place to live in Roanoke so we can be closer to our church family. We feel a little disconnected and unable to serve and be involved as much as we like with the 45 minute drive and the ever increasing gas prices. We have a few options that are actually cheaper then what we are paying now for rent so that is good–and then I am probably going to start a ‘flex’ schedule at work which is where I work four long shifts and take either Monday or Friday off instead of five shorter shifts. That’ll help on gas at least.
Yesterday I went to a bridal shower for a dear friend of mine, Bethany Hayes. So happy for her and blessed to be a part of her life and the bridal party 🙂 Then my other dear friend Kari was there looking amazing with her baby belly. Love it.
I just feel so peaceful right now. I praise God for this moment, as I know life will continue to have it’s ups and downs- but I am just sitting here snuggled up in my bed relishing in the fact that God loves me and I am safely in His right hand. Praise be to the Lord!