When I Cannot Stand, I’ll Fall On You….

That line has been repeating in my head over and over.

When I cannot stand, I’ll fall on You.

I honestly could not have endured losing another baby if it wasn’t for the goodness of God. Even in the midst of sadness and grieving, I have been blown away by God’s grace and comfort to me during this time.

 

The main way I have felt God’s love is through my husband Bennett. I was terrified what losing another baby would do to our relationship. When we lost our first baby, I was not walking with the Lord and Bennett didn’t really understand the emotional and physical toll of losing a baby and the combination of those two things was quite trying for us.

This time was the complete opposite and I am so thankful. I think Bennett was much more connected to our baby as he had seen the heartbeat several times and had watched our baby grow. He was so excited to become a dad, and to see him cry several times during this past week over our loss strangely comforted me. I struggled with the thought of losing our baby as ‘not that big of a deal’ and felt almost guilty for grieving–yet seeing my husband who never cries sob over the loss of his child reiterated how real and alive our baby was for the precious 12 weeks we had with him, and that it hurts deeply when a baby dies-no matter how small.

I also had to make a conscious decision that I would not run from God. I had to keep reminding myself daily, hourly, that God is still good. That He is holding me and comforting me and grieving with me. That He is for me, not against me (and oh how hard that is to believe during times like these!). Those first few days when I physically and emotionally couldn’t face reading the Bible, Bennett would hold my hand and read to me and pray over me. Just those simple actions did wonders.

I honestly have been shocked how quickly I have ‘bounced back’. I have returned to work and was able to make it through my first day with minimal tears shed (ha!). I have started working out again and was even able to hold our friends baby without being a complete mess. As some of you may know, Bennett’s job is transferring us to Richmond and we are moving the first week of January. Between losing our baby and this sudden move, my ‘old self’ would be a complete and utter mess. I have actually found myself looking forward to the move.

I know God is working in me and I have thought to myself and verbalized to Bennett many times that there is no way I could handle this a second time without God. Am I still crying everyday? Yes. Do I still get jealous when I see precious newborn pictures on Facebook? Yes. Do I get angry when I think about how I have lost two babies and want nothing more in the world to be a mother, but that dream has again been pushed back? Yes. Do I get upset when I see mothers complaining about their children? (Oh how that could be a blog post in and of itself but I will not even go there) Yes. I am human, but God is stronger then these negative and sometimes sinful emotions and He is holding my hand through it all.

 

So where do we go from here? Good question as I have no idea. I just got home from my post-op check up appointment and there are more questions then answers. My doctor said that it is quite possible both of our losses were complete ‘flukes’ and that there is nothing medically wrong with Bennett or myself. She is still suggesting that we discuss options with an OB/GYN in Richmond and gave us contact information. ¬†She did go ahead and draw blood to test for PCOS and thyroid issues so we will see if anything comes of that.

 

We still need prayers as we have many decisions before us. Do we proceed with testing before we try again? Do we try again without any testing? Do we pursue adoption and put trying for biological children on the back burner? If we do decide to adopt, should we foster to adopt or private adopt? And WHEN do we proceed once we figure out what the best option is? Do we need to have a period of not even thinking about children? Do we not have children at all? (I laugh and grimace at that option). So yes, lots of questions swirling around in our heads in between packing boxes and searching for apartments.

 

God is not done with our story. Our past four years of marriage have not played out how we planned our picture perfect life to be, but whose truly does? I would much rather God write our story then to write it myself, and I ask that you continue to read and see what God has in store for next chapter of our lives.

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Final Update on Baby ‘Tobin’

I’m not really sure where to begin or what to say. My heart and head are so full of emotions and thoughts as these past three days have been myself reliving a nightmare of losing another baby. The words below are raw and rather emotional- so if thats not your forte you may just want to skip this post. But for me, I need my baby to be known and remembered and this is all a part of my healing.

I do want to start by explaining our baby’s name. From the beginning of my pregnancy I felt like my baby was a boy. Bennett and I poured over names and just fell in love with the name ‘Tobin’. We loved how unique it was, but most importantly we loved the meaning which is “the Lord is good”. For the past several weeks we have been calling our precious baby ‘Tobin’. After we found out our devastating news Bennett and I were talking about what to name the baby as we may in the future want to use the name ‘Tobin’- but it didn’t feel right to call this precious baby any other name. This baby has always been baby ‘Tobin” to us. He lived and he died and he deserves to be named and remembered- and I need to hold onto this name and try to remember during this dark time that the Lord is good.

Rewind back to this past Wednesday night. Up until then, I felt peaceful and distracted and didn’t think much about my upcoming appointment…but come Wednesday night I couldn’t sleep and had two awful nightmares that I lost sweet Tobin. I woke up nervous, sick and I just knew that Tobin was gone. I kept trying to tell myself it wasn’t true….but to be honest I knew for about a month that I would not be carrying this child for long. A few days before our nine week appointment I broke down and cried and told Bennett that something wasn’t right. Little did we know a few days later we would find a cystic hygroma. I tried to remain positive and hopeful- everyone around me was- but I knew. It’s amazing how your maternal instinct kicks in from the very beginning and I also feel God was gently preparing me for what was to come.

My Thursday morning appointment finally came after three agonizing weeks of waiting. As soon as the ultrasound tech pulled up the picture of sweet Tobin I knew he was gone. He had barely grown since our last appointment. She sadly told me that there was no heartbeat and I just began to sob…it had probably been since my last loss of sweet Mizpah that I had cried like that. I was given three options. Wait to miscarry on my own, have a procedure done in the office (awake and only on local anesthetic) or have a D&C (surgery, full general anesthesia). I miscarried our first baby on my own, and I was much earlier and it was incredibly painful and traumatic and I knew I couldn’t do that again. My body had yet to recognize the baby was gone and it could be weeks before it would. I couldn’t even fathom being awake while my baby was being removed so I decided on a D&C.

That evening I spent most of my time at my parents house with Bennett and my family. All I could think about is that this will be the last day that I will carry my precious baby. Every night Bennett would lay his hand on my stomach and thank God for our baby. It was hard knowing the prayer would be different.

Friday morning came and we headed to the hospital. The doctor was running four hours behind due to an emergency- as tired as I was sitting in a holding room waiting for surgery I kept thinking about his emergency. Praying for that sweet mom who may very well have been losing her baby too. The time came for me to go back and I held on to my mom begging her to not let them take my baby. She cried with me- knowing not only that her daughter was hurting but she was losing a grandbaby as well. She came to every appointment and saw every heartbeat and I know she was just as connected as I was.

The surgery was over in a blink of an eye. The pain afterward isn’t bad- practically nothing in comparison to the emotional pain knowing that your baby is no longer there.

Now here I am, in my childhood bedroom at my parents house. Its comforting being here–being at our house is just too hard right now. Just down the hall my mom has turned an empty bedroom into the ‘Grandchild’ room. She told me she would go in there and pray for Tobin daily. I couldn’t go into that room on Thursday or Friday- but this morning I knew I needed too. I laid on the bed and cried and told God I didn’t understand- then left and closed the door.

So, where do we go from here? I really don’t know… My mom has been reminding me I only need to take today. My heart just longs for children so badly. In the future, our doctor recommended Bennett and I to go for testing to see if this will continue to be a pattern or if we simply just had two freak cases of bad luck. Yes, its awful that my babies died- but they aren’t bad luck. Their my babies and I can’t wait to see them again. I long for heaven so much.

 

I will post more about the logistics of doctor recommendations and our next steps of action later- but today I’m sad and I’m grieving the loss of my child-and that’s okay.

 

I appreciate each and everyone of you who have prayed and loved on us. No, the outcome we wanted didn’t happen but I do take comfort that God healed my baby in His way and that I will see Tobin again. I appreciate each and everyone of you who has been following our story of waiting, patience and loss. Please keep following–I know in my heart all this sorrow is not just for nothing and I know in my heart I will be a mother one day and I want you to see how God is going to do that for us. Because I am confident He will.

 

Until then, please take a look at this beautiful picture of our precious baby Tobin.

babytobinf

Sweet Tobin,

Mommy and Daddy love you so much–even in just the short time we had with you. How blessed we are that when we get to Heaven we not only get to see our Loving Savior but we get to finally hold and love on both of our sweet babies. But for now, I will rest knowing that He is holding you now.