Final Update on Baby ‘Tobin’

I’m not really sure where to begin or what to say. My heart and head are so full of emotions and thoughts as these past three days have been myself reliving a nightmare of losing another baby. The words below are raw and rather emotional- so if thats not your forte you may just want to skip this post. But for me, I need my baby to be known and remembered and this is all a part of my healing.

I do want to start by explaining our baby’s name. From the beginning of my pregnancy I felt like my baby was a boy. Bennett and I poured over names and just fell in love with the name ‘Tobin’. We loved how unique it was, but most importantly we loved the meaning which is “the Lord is good”. For the past several weeks we have been calling our precious baby ‘Tobin’. After we found out our devastating news Bennett and I were talking about what to name the baby as we may in the future want to use the name ‘Tobin’- but it didn’t feel right to call this precious baby any other name. This baby has always been baby ‘Tobin” to us. He lived and he died and he deserves to be named and remembered- and I need to hold onto this name and try to remember during this dark time that the Lord is good.

Rewind back to this past Wednesday night. Up until then, I felt peaceful and distracted and didn’t think much about my upcoming appointment…but come Wednesday night I couldn’t sleep and had two awful nightmares that I lost sweet Tobin. I woke up nervous, sick and I just knew that Tobin was gone. I kept trying to tell myself it wasn’t true….but to be honest I knew for about a month that I would not be carrying this child for long. A few days before our nine week appointment I broke down and cried and told Bennett that something wasn’t right. Little did we know a few days later we would find a cystic hygroma. I tried to remain positive and hopeful- everyone around me was- but I knew. It’s amazing how your maternal instinct kicks in from the very beginning and I also feel God was gently preparing me for what was to come.

My Thursday morning appointment finally came after three agonizing weeks of waiting. As soon as the ultrasound tech pulled up the picture of sweet Tobin I knew he was gone. He had barely grown since our last appointment. She sadly told me that there was no heartbeat and I just began to sob…it had probably been since my last loss of sweet Mizpah that I had cried like that. I was given three options. Wait to miscarry on my own, have a procedure done in the office (awake and only on local anesthetic) or have a D&C (surgery, full general anesthesia). I miscarried our first baby on my own, and I was much earlier and it was incredibly painful and traumatic and I knew I couldn’t do that again. My body had yet to recognize the baby was gone and it could be weeks before it would. I couldn’t even fathom being awake while my baby was being removed so I decided on a D&C.

That evening I spent most of my time at my parents house with Bennett and my family. All I could think about is that this will be the last day that I will carry my precious baby. Every night Bennett would lay his hand on my stomach and thank God for our baby. It was hard knowing the prayer would be different.

Friday morning came and we headed to the hospital. The doctor was running four hours behind due to an emergency- as tired as I was sitting in a holding room waiting for surgery I kept thinking about his emergency. Praying for that sweet mom who may very well have been losing her baby too. The time came for me to go back and I held on to my mom begging her to not let them take my baby. She cried with me- knowing not only that her daughter was hurting but she was losing a grandbaby as well. She came to every appointment and saw every heartbeat and I know she was just as connected as I was.

The surgery was over in a blink of an eye. The pain afterward isn’t bad- practically nothing in comparison to the emotional pain knowing that your baby is no longer there.

Now here I am, in my childhood bedroom at my parents house. Its comforting being here–being at our house is just too hard right now. Just down the hall my mom has turned an empty bedroom into the ‘Grandchild’ room. She told me she would go in there and pray for Tobin daily. I couldn’t go into that room on Thursday or Friday- but this morning I knew I needed too. I laid on the bed and cried and told God I didn’t understand- then left and closed the door.

So, where do we go from here? I really don’t know… My mom has been reminding me I only need to take today. My heart just longs for children so badly. In the future, our doctor recommended Bennett and I to go for testing to see if this will continue to be a pattern or if we simply just had two freak cases of bad luck. Yes, its awful that my babies died- but they aren’t bad luck. Their my babies and I can’t wait to see them again. I long for heaven so much.

 

I will post more about the logistics of doctor recommendations and our next steps of action later- but today I’m sad and I’m grieving the loss of my child-and that’s okay.

 

I appreciate each and everyone of you who have prayed and loved on us. No, the outcome we wanted didn’t happen but I do take comfort that God healed my baby in His way and that I will see Tobin again. I appreciate each and everyone of you who has been following our story of waiting, patience and loss. Please keep following–I know in my heart all this sorrow is not just for nothing and I know in my heart I will be a mother one day and I want you to see how God is going to do that for us. Because I am confident He will.

 

Until then, please take a look at this beautiful picture of our precious baby Tobin.

babytobinf

Sweet Tobin,

Mommy and Daddy love you so much–even in just the short time we had with you. How blessed we are that when we get to Heaven we not only get to see our Loving Savior but we get to finally hold and love on both of our sweet babies. But for now, I will rest knowing that He is holding you now.

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Major Rambling.

I don’t even know if I am actually going to publish this- but recently I have been surrounded by people who are or have gone through immense suffering and I have also been surrounded by people who are desperately in love with the Lord. And those people are one in the same. And these ‘sufferings’ are out of their control.

Health problems, broken marriages, spiritual attacks, mental illness, diseases, earthquakes, abuse, job losses, hurricanes, death. Sometimes, these things are completely out of our control.

But you know what. That is exactly where God wants us. He allows these things to happen, things we have no control over. It is not that we are in ‘sin’ or ‘just not praying enough’. Even though that may be true, but I am more convinced then not that the majority of time that uncontrollable suffering occurs in a Christians life is not due to God bringing ‘judgement’ or the ‘consequences of sin’ or a ‘rebellious heart’- it’s all to bring Him glory.

Think of Job. He lost everything. His friends and family made fun of Him for following after the Lord and accused Him of being in sin. They thought he was crazy. Yet the Lord was very pleased with Him and the LORD got the glory- not Job.

So be thankful for suffering my friends. If God has allowed it to happen to you, He has a reason and He wants the glory. Allow Him to do so in your life. Allow yourself to suffer. It will endure for more then a day, months, years even an entire lifetime. Don’t suck it up and act like everything is fine. Don’t pretend. Cry out to the Lord. Cry out to your Christian family. Lament over the suffering. Work our your salvation! Question, dig, grovel. Let the suffering encompass you.

Because isn’t that what Jesus did for us on the cross? Didn’t He fully and completely embrace the suffering His Father bestowed upon Him?

And didn’t God get the ultimate glory?

Adversity vs. Prosperity. Which you would you prefer?

A few weeks ago, Bennett stumbled across this website, that states the top ten worst-paying college degrees. No big shock to ourselves-our degree’s were listed as number 1 and number 3 on the list.

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“An American church leader met with a Christian pastor in China several years ago who suffered greatly for his faith. The pastor told the American that Chinese Christians were ferevently praying for American Christians. The American, somewhat startled that someone had suffered imprisonment for his faith was praying for those who enjoyed religious liberty, asked why they were praying for America. ‘Because it seems we are handling our adversity far better than you are handling your prosperity'”.

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I read the excerpt above in the book “Fresh Encounter” by Henry and Richard Blackaby. I instantly thought of the mentioned website link and my own selfish need to equate monetary prosperity to success- and how lately I have felt somewhat unsuccessful as we have been bombarded with various unexcepted car and medical bills that have put a standstill in our efforts to build our savings account. And you know what, the Lord has graciously taken care of us and our measly financial worries. But the Lord gently reminded me today through my reading of what is important- handling adversity in a way that pleases the Lord.

But the real issues is, which would I prefer? Would I rather have all the materialistic things in the world -big savings accounts, fancy cars, and huge houses- that cause temptation to rely upon ourselves for security and safety? Or would I rather continually be relying on the Lord- trusting Him to supply all of my needs and trusting in Him as my safe refuge?