Looking back…

Looking back isn’t always a bad thing.

Lately I have felt the need too as I have been questioning God alot lately. A dear woman in our church is struggling with cancer. She learned she had cancer a few years ago, God healed her and all was well with life in the cancer world. Then a few months ago it came back quietly, but with a venegance.

I don’t understand.

Why would God heal- then allow something so awful to return?

It just led me back to thinking of why God would allow me to have vaginismus, crippling my ability to be intimate with my husband and my ability to have kids? Then after almost two years of marriage decides to heal me, allows me to get pregnant, then allows my precious firstborn to die.

I don’t understand..

As you all may have noticed, I have taken a hiatus of sorts lately from this blog, wondering why I wrote in the first place. This is why. And it’s not because of me. I didn’t choose for vaginismus to happen. I didn’t choose for my baby to die. These things happened, and God has allowed me to help others because of it. I must remind myself that right now, the only thing that I can do with these situations is help others and point them to God with my stories. That is all- and that is the purpose of this blog.

So these are some excerpts of just a few writings I had some time to look through. I, of course, didn’t mention names to protect them, but remember them in your prayers. Remember their fragile marriages and empty hearts.

“I have been reading your blog for quite awhile now….I am just so thankful to find someone else who has vaginismus and is a Christian…. Your blog has been incredibly encouraging and comforting.”

“Thank you for posting your blog and videos about your struggle with vaginismus. It has given me hope and encouragement. You are so brave to share your story and the Lord has used you in my life to give me and my husband hope about our future. I’m scared yet hopeful about the future. I don’t have any specific questions right now to ask, but just wanted to email you and say thank you and to ask you to pray for me. I’m emotionally drained after struggling with this for the past 7 years. I love my husband more than anything in the world. He has been by my side through every step of this journey and I can not thank the Lord enough for giving me such a loving, patience, and compassionate husband. I want this so much for us as a couple. Thanks again for sharing your story and your email address to those of us who need encouragement.” (emphasis added)

“I found your blog through Google.  I’ve recently got married  and have been unable to consummate my marriage with my husband due to Vaginismus… I’m not sure what to do. My husband is so patient and understanding but I feel like such a failure. I think that perhaps God is teaching me to really trust Him right now (in other areas of my life He is showing me this also), but I just don’t know what to do…. Your blog has already helped me and I will definitely spend time dwelling on some of the scriptures that have really touched me.”

“We went to the doctor after our honeymoon and a few weeks later had this diagnosis. I just got done reading some of your blog, and I am still incredulous about your bravery and faithfulness and trying to process this all…. So, you writing back and  being willing to connect with me just a little is an answered prayer.  There are too many opportunities around me to share/treat/connect with  people who will not point me to the truth and not see this in a gospel  centered way, but it seems like you totally do! I’m still a relatively new  Christian so I just really appreciate you taking the time to write back and share your story and talk with me. When I read that one of your prayers was that God would use your experience to bless others, I cried….Its so discouraging sometimes, and sometimes I get complacent, or cynical, like so many things that you said. I really related to your posts…Oh my goodness Im tearing up again just thinking about someone understanding and trusting in Christ, too, it just seems like too much…!…”

“I have to tell you- you actually are the reason I decided to write this post. I have been keeping up with your blog and facebook statuses about your loss. I hadn’t really talked much about what happened to us and our baby or recognized it publicly. When I saw your posts and the link to some other blogs about loss, I realized that if I was to stay true to my passionate belief that life is life, no matter how early, that I needed to come out and recognize our loss as significant. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this, too. I am so familiar with the feelings and doubts it leaves behind. I’ll be praying for you, as well. I’m excited to see what God does in your lives. I KNOW God has used your transparency and openness to touch the lives of women all over who have experienced similar things. I know he did for me…”

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