As I type this post I can’t help but cry a little as I would rather my topic of this post be how happy I am to be in the second trimester, some pictures of a baby bump and the building excitement for an upcoming gender reveal.
Not the case. But I am moving forward. Perhaps too slowly for some- but I am trying to focus on the people who have been wonderfully supportive. My husband, my parents and a few but oh so needed friends and those ‘random unexpected’ people I talked about in my last post. I cry almost every day- but its not as debilitating as it was. I am slowly getting back into the swing of life.
I am working part time now back at Franklin County DSS. I just needed a break from working full time. Bennett is currently working at Starbucks, but hopes to find a more permanent career type job so that I can continue to work part time and hopefully, Lord willing, we can try again for a baby. This miscarriage truly reshaped my mindset. I am so tired of simply working with the sole mindset of earning money to live. Ever since high school I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom- not a career mom. I applaud those mothers who can juggle working full time and having a family but that is not my goal or how I think God designed me to be. That being said- we have no clue when we will start trying again. For sure not in the near future as my body has yet to regulate since the miscarriage- and per doctors orders I must wait two cycles and I haven’t even been through one yet…
I said in my last post I would update a bit about our New York trip. As awful as it was to physically endure a miscarriage while being on vacation- I was almost glad it happened there then at home so I could leave some of those memories behind. It was also bittersweet that the same place I experienced one of my hardest trials (treatment for Vaginismus) I also endured another hard trial (losing Mizpah).
It was also SO extremely wonderful to be able to spend lots of time with the two couples who were there for Vaginismus treatment. One of the couples I had been talking to since September of 2011. The second couple I had spoken with a few weeks before treatment. She cried when she found out I was coming up to visit the same time that they would be there, as they had seen our documentary video which is what confirmed their decision to go to WTC. Both of these couples are Christian couples and the community we felt between the six of us was so so special. The first night when we arrived we went to one of their hotel rooms and had a wonderful time of praise and worship. A favorite of mine “How He Loves” was sung which was another beautiful tie in between my Vaginismus trial and this miscarriage trial.
Another absolutely wonderful blessing was being able to spend a lot of time with our doctors, especially Dr. Ross. I know I have said it before, but I’ll say it again, I LOVE these doctors. It just astounds me that I ‘paid’ them back in July yet they continue to love on us. As soon as I found out I was most likely miscarrying Dr. Ross called me. When we arrived in New York, before we even made it to our hotel, they asked us to stop by the office so they could see us. Dr. Ross showered us with gifts from a wonderful camera to beautiful mementos in honor of Mizpah. We saw them every day while we were there- and they gave us hugs and comfort during this difficult time- just like they did the last time. I will forever hold a special place in my heart for Dr. Ditza and Dr. Ross.
The couples were also so comforting to me and Bennett while we were there. They prayed with us and loved on us. I think it was good for both sides. We were able to focus on each other so we weren’t so focused on our own pain. Both girls were cured and are doing great. I am just so happy for the Womens Therapy Center and the ‘God Connections’ I have made with so many women who have endured this condition.
All that to say- just as I firmly believe I had vaginismus to help other women, I guess I am coming to the realization that is the same reason why I had a miscarriage. Sometimes I wonder why me…most women have sex and babies as easy as batting an eye- yet for me that isn’t the case. And the only thing that brings me comfort is that it happened so I can comfort others. Just as 2 Corinthians says “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”
I get angry at God – to quit allowing this stuff to happen to me because I simply can’t take anymore and I just am not fit emotionally or spiritually to comfort others. I’ve done some pretty sinful things out of anger and emotion because of my circumstances- why would God use that? Yet He does. He uses our personal stories of trash and transformation to encourage others who are simply stuck in the trash and don’t see a way out.
As I have learned over and over again- there is a way out and it is only through Jesus. I have tried every which way to turn but with no avail. It’s only Jesus.